


Smile

by Pepperweb



Series: Bloom [3]
Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: Doll no. 123, Episode 1, F/M, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Requited Love, Unashamedly rewriting history
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8010709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pepperweb/pseuds/Pepperweb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She however, was the first to speak, ‘I thought’ she said, after several long moments, ‘I thought after the ball, you were not…you did not like me in that way.’<br/>He looked at her helplessly, his hand still touching her face. ‘Oh I like you very much…too much,’ he confessed.</p>
<p>How the scene by the piano in episode 1 should have gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Readers,
> 
> thought I'd better get this up before this evening T_T 
> 
> thank you to all those who have been reading, kudosing and commenting! It means so much, so thank you and enjoy!

‘I can’t do it……everything is ruined….it’s all my fault.’

Melbourne had never heard her sound more broken. How on earth could he make things better? He so desperately wanted to, there was an ache within him, he wanted to gather her in his arms and promise her that things were okay. But he couldn’t. Because things were not okay. Once again he could not escape scandal.

He sat down, heavy with feeling, next to her on the piano stool. What could he say? He sighed, there was nothing he could say.

He looked around to her, she was dressed all in white. He was reminded of her doll, the one with a number not a name; she looked so fragile.

But then, ‘I don’t believe I ever told why I was late to the coronation ball,’ he began. ‘Did you know I had a son?’ She remained unresponsive, but he knew she was listening. ‘Augustus….And that day was his birthday.’

She stirred a little beside him.

‘When Carol ran away he became very afraid of the dark. And he would only go to sleep if I was holding his hand. I don’t think I was ever happier than on those nights, sitting there, feeling my little boy drift off…when he died….I thought there was no point to my existence-‘

‘-Lord M how can you say that?’ she interrupted him, clearly shocked.

‘I no longer feel that way Ma’am,’ he spoke truthfully, ‘I thought I would never find any solace… but then…I became your Prime Minister and I think- I hope- your friend? Of course, nothing will ever bring my boy back but through you I’ve been given a reason to continue...’

Their eyes met, Melbourne could see the different emotions washing over her face.

‘And you must do the same’ he urged her, ‘You must go out and you must smile….you must smile and wave and never let them know how hard it is to bear.’

She nodded and looked down at her hands in her lap. He didn’t know how much time had passed before she glanced back up at him.

‘I will smile,’ she said with a determined expression, despite her voice wobbling.

And he did not know what possessed him but he reached out and gently lifted her chin up, his thumb softly brushing at the corner of her mouth.

‘A smile?’ he whispered.

She gave him one and it was the most precious thing he’d ever received. Without thinking he leaned in and met her lips with his own, kissing her mouth still in a smile.

She gasped slightly in surprise, her lips parting. The first kiss became a second, then a third. Her skin under his fingertips was smooth and warm, her lips under his own were soft and tentative. It was a moment, separate from the present. Time did not seem to exist; he did not know if he’d ever felt like this, he wanted this moment to last forever.

But already reality was encroaching. He pulled back and opened his eyes.

She was the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen. She looked up at him, eyes wide and _Lord,_ pupils blown.

He did not deserve her. What had he done?

Words deserted him. How could he have been so strong that night at the ball when she’d practically thrown herself at him. Then, he’d resisted temptation. Temptation with eyes the colour of cornflowers, and with words such as ‘I wish I could dance with you all night,’ and ‘I want to dance with _you.’_

He’d been strong then, any other man would have given in, surrendered.

But now, how could he be so weak? Acting this way when she was so vulnerable?

He was disgusted with himself.

She however, was the first to speak, ‘I thought’ she said, after several long moments, ‘I thought after the ball, you were not…you did not like me in that way.’

He looked at her helplessly, his hand was still touching her face so he removed it guiltily. ‘Oh I like you very much…too much,’ he confessed, ‘Just not doused with champagne. I did not want you to do something you would regret.’

‘I don’t regret it,’ she whispered, ‘I would never regret you.’

‘I..I thank you Ma’am,’ he said formally; he didn’t believe it, he was so full of contempt for himself. ‘But I’m afraid I am consumed with regret.’

‘But why?’ she asked, trying to catch his gaze as he was doing his best to avoid looking at her.

‘Because either way I am damned,’ he said bitterly, trying to resist glancing at her, ‘I regretted not kissing you that night, and I regret giving into base instincts and kissing you now,’

‘But love is not something to regret,’ she said, reaching out for his hands and pulling them into her lap to hold.

‘Love?’ he asked and his voice cracked. She did not mean that; she could not mean that. Her soft fingers were rubbing gently on the backs of his hands, it was disarming.

Her expression changed to a fearful one, ‘Do you not feel…’ she faltered, ‘Lord Melbourne, do not tell me you are only toying with me!’

‘No!’ he exclaimed fiercely, ‘No, not at all. I do indeed love you, I’ve loved you for some time. I only…I mean to say… between us…it can never be.’

‘I do not understand,’ she said, her voice sounding frustratingly weak.

‘You are so young,’ he said, and he remembered when he had said that last, on the dancefloor with her in his arms.

‘You keep saying that, but I am old enough to be Queen, old enough to marry, old enough to know what I want, _who_ I want.’

‘You cannot know either of those things… you did not understand what virgo intacta meant!’

‘But that is why I need you!’ she cried, ‘To teach me, to show me!’

‘Ma’am,’ he said in his warning tone.

‘Do not make me have to convince you Lord M’ she said, ‘You were the one who kissed me.’

‘Of that I am well aware,’ he replied in a low tone, scathingly to himself.

‘Kiss me again,’ she commanded.

‘I-‘

‘I am your Queen and I am telling you to kiss me again.’

He could not refuse. Once more his mouth covered hers, there was more urgency this time. His lips were firmer, more insistent. His hand reached up to cup the back of her head, holding her steady as his mouth pressed to hers.

She responded, moving her lips hesitantly back against his. He slowed slightly, letting her take the lead and press closed mouth kisses against him.

How could it feel so right?

She leaned into him, putting a hand onto his shoulder to steady herself. Her skirts were rustling against his leg. Then he felt her knee, press up against his on the bench. She was so close, he could reach out and….his other hand went to her waist, he couldn’t control it.

Her lips lingered on his. He felt drunk, like he was the one who had consumed too much champagne. He pulled her closer to him, his hand pressing on her narrow waist, one still at the back of her head. She wrapped an arm around his neck and now she was flush against him. Sighing a warm breath onto his lips. He couldn’t think, he knew, _knew,_ that this was impossible, yet here he was, here she was.

‘Lord M’ she said breathlessly.

‘Majesty’ he replied, his voice sounding hoarse.

‘I must go,’ she said, but she did not move, her eyes were locked with his.

‘Yes you must.’

‘I…I will write to you, tonight…and I, I will see you tomorrow?’

Melbourne nodded. He had never been able to stay away, and how could he now?

She kissed him them, feather-light and chaste. It nearly overwhelmed him. He withdrew his hand from her hair, slid his other hand from around her waist, his touch lingering. That she would let him touch her like that….

Standing up she traced fingers over his face, she was taller than him now and he was sure he must be looking at her almost worshipfully. She must know how he adored her.

With one more, enduring look she turned away and hurried from the room.

 

~*~

Returning to Brocket Hall that night, he sat up for a long time, gazing into the fire. Mulling over the days events. If he was honest with himself it had been coming for a while. He was a weak man, he knew that. Scandal had chased him his entire life, it picked at his heels…he wondered how truly desperate he was to outrun it; it hunted him down so easily.

He’d spoken the truth today. He’d revealed more about his past that she did not know, about his son, Augustus. He’d thought he’d never be happy again. He thought he did not deserve happiness. But for her to come into his life…

She was flighty, she was impulsive, she was beautiful; she was the very essence of life. He’d not been living these past years and now he was given a second chance to laugh, to smile, to love. Who among them would not take that chance?

He’d loved her for some time now, had tried to love her from afar, tried to be content to be her friend, to have her trust, to guide her. But those around them had noticed, had speculated. And she had noticed, had responded! Never had he thought that she could love him back…although could she truly know what love was?

He was doing her a disservice. She was constantly worried that those in court, those surrounding her, were doubting her ability to be Queen. She often struggled to bear the weight of the scrutiny she encountered. How could he, who constantly championed her, defended her, encouraged and supported her, now turn and claim she did not know what she was doing? Hypocrite indeed.

He knew they could not marry. Knew that he would very likely be one day replaced by someone younger, handsome and altogether more suitable. But… now, in this moment he could love her and he could receive her love in turn. Sincere words spoken between them, a few stolen kisses, this was permissible…but nothing more. He would not take things any further Melbourne resolved. In this, he was determined.

He was disturbed from his thoughts by the arrival of a letter. It was from the Palace and he recognised the handwriting.

He turned the envelope over in his fingers for several long moments. To not be able to love freely…life was cruel. She was a woman and he was a man, in other circumstances… But that was just it; their situation was unsustainable in the long run and he must make sure that when the right man came along she was still…eligible.

But for the present, he was a man and so he opened the letter.

_I followed your advice, as far as I was able. I waved, although I couldn’t smile._

_But I feel I shall smile in the future, with your help Lord M._

_Yours,_

_Victoria_


End file.
